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I am laughing through pain. That's right. I am laughing at my pain. Oh wait - this really does hurt.


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Sunday, November 22, 2009

C'est La Me ....

So I have been off birth control now for about 10 months.... I have to say I am thankful for birth control but I am at a point in my life now where I do not ever want to go on it again. I really do believe that stress mixed with hormones caused my migraines to go banana's over the last 10 years. Since being off my birth control my migraines have lessened, depression has lessened, I sleep better, I lost weight and I have gotten control (I think) over my stress. While I do not blame or credit birth control for my pains and recent gains in my health, it certainly began with birth control on both fronts.

My migraines have been mild. They are still here .... that stinky little monster .... and they come when my period is near and when my stress is floating high. The good news is that I have become very adept at recognizing them so I slow down and run to my meds.

Which leads me to another topic .... HEALTHCARE. Oh I know .... it is such a hot topic right now. But guess what? Healthcare has been helping me with my migraines for 10 years. When I finally got on botox 3 years ago it was a life saver. A LIFE SAVER!! I currently am uninsured and due for my botox injections .... wanna hear what has been happening? My tension headaches are back and my inability to completely fight them off causes a lot of frustration which causes them to increase. I know that people who have never had chronic migraines could never understand completely but allow me to analogize for you: imagine pots and pans banging behind your eyes, on your neck and inside your head amplified by a megaphone and flood light on your eyes. The physical pain, the light and noise would be unbearable for people who have never had one of these suckers. That is about 10% of the pain I feel when I have a migraine. The frustration, the annoyance at yourself and every moving person or thing around you is intense. I wish I had the option to go on a public health care system so that I did not have to worry about not being prepared for a migraine or God forbid an asthma attack (an affliction I have had since I was a child). I have not yet read the Senate proposal but I know the one out of Congress was a big pile of dooky.

I hope for the sake of yourselves, your neighbors and the people on the street you are getting involved in this debate and making your voice heard to your state and federal representatives. This debate needs to be about us and not about them. They have had more than enough time to do something substantive on their own; it's time to push them off the cliff of stagnant bullshit and into action. Be your own lobbyists and fight for your beliefs - be heard!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Drama fo yo mama

How can I say this without offending and upsetting? Cutting off a family member is really hard. Cutting off a family member with a baby is even more difficult.

I have a family member who I do not know that well but we were working on getting to know each other better. It's a strange relationship because you are related but you are strangers. So, while you are automatically cautious you feel strange about that because you are biologically related. It is odd. Very odd.

This particular person is not a healthy person spiritually, physically or emotionally. And, he married someone who mirrors his deficiencies. The problem is there is a child involved. A child who is clearly not developing as he should be. One has to stop and wonder if it is not an issue with the parents versus the genetics. I would lean towards the former. The spouse is probably one of the most wounded venomous people I have ever met. My family member is someone who has this in them but seems to try to rise above it. The problem is that he wants what he wants when he wants it and will do whatever it takes to obtain it. Alone they express their extreme unhappiness with each other, their desire to separate and their desire to hurt each other. This makes for a very volatile situation when the two of them are upset at the same time.

Because I have been wanting this relationship to work, I have been patient and giving to both of these people. Because there has been a baby involved, I have been trying to remain calm as a source of support. But, I can only take so much of being taken advantage of . I finally spoke my frustration. I finally let go of my irritation over the complete lack of consideration these two display to all of those around them. The result was a volcanic eruption from two people who cannot stand being challenged and a severed relationship due to their toxicity.

I am sad, but I feel lighter. I don't feel as if I am witnessing the cruelest couple on earth screw up a perfectly innocent child. And most importantly, I kept a promise to my mother to locate the two she could never forget.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Stories of Love

Sooo, on the blog that I have been cheating on this blog with I have been writing (or better yet, starting to write) my story. I have found that it has been a difficult and yet easy thing to open up and be so vulnerable. I have had to think about how some of my words may affect my family, reconcile that this is my story from my perspective and take the leap to just write it. It has been actually very freeing. I am feeling closer to my mother than I ever have in getting this out. I kinda wish she was alive to read it, but I have a feeling she may not have understood it.

The interesting effect of my unloading is my headaches while still frequent have not been as severe. I have had minor migraines but nothing that early medication cannot catch in time. I wonder if allowing myself to be so vulnerable while inviting friends and family to read this has been healing me in some sense. Maybe I will get to that memoir after all?

On a separate note, I would like to send my love to the Jackson family. Michael was such an important part of music and culture. I do not know one person who has not had an event in their life framed by his art. I will miss him greatly but I am so thankful for what he has left us. As a good friend of mine said so eloquently: Tha Man Made Thriller!!!

Thursday, May 14, 2009


My apologies....I have been cheating on my blog with another blog. Unfortunately, this new blog has been getting some really good feedback so it's encouraging me to write more on the other blog. So, I offer my apologies and invite you to read my other blog along with this one. 

My migraines have been unchanged - they still are coming around my period and they still hurt like hell. In my employment I read medical records where people have to state on a scale from one to ten how bad is their pain for a soft tissue injury...they almost alway scale it at a 10. Yeah right. I think about my migraines and I can honestly say that the feeling of my face falling off is one of the worst feelings I have ever had and I still would not state it was a 10...possibly a 9 but not a 10. My sympathy for them is, shall I say, minor. 

My back is doing better. The physical therapy is actually really helping. They have discovered that my right hip is one inch higher than the left, thus causing my back pain because it makes my sciatic knots REALLY big. 

I hope everyone is feelin good and welcoming the Spring coming in. Keep checkin back on me...I will continue to update. 

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Semi better

Sunday's are just a beautiful day....always. No matter what the weather is, I always find Sunday's are unbelievably attractive. 

My back is about half way better....I start physical therapy soon and I am hoping this will greatly improve the strength and kick away sciatica forever! We shall see......I really need to get back into my yoga. I didn't have all these physical ailments when I was doing yoga...migraines yes, but knee and back 

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Still Hurting

My back is feels like it is never going to get better. Stupid sciatica. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Change of Scenery

You may have noticed my page has changed. The photo is not me, but the four legs probably gave it away. I opted to take the personal "me" out of the page. I am debating creating another blog (probably too many to handle if I do) that does not have any traces of my ID in it. I don't doubt that my job may be reading this blog and with my sometimes inability to filter thoughts, it seemed a good idea to lay a little low with the personal me. It might be too late, but hey I can always claim "Huh?? That was bad??"

On to my health issues............the drugs work. Totally work. I can actually walk with the pharmaceuticals cruising through my blood stream. The back spasms are no joke. There were lines of pain running marathons from my back to my thigh. I will be completing physical therapy as soon as the inflammation calms down. If I can stay awake (muscle relaxers make me a little groggy), I have a date with the new Vanity Fair.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Oh me oh my. So, I have been having some pretty painful lower back issues over the last month that have peaked as of this last Friday. After 2 days of not going into the office I finally went to the doctor. I have now been diagnosed with sciatica...which aside from being difficult to spell sucks big know the rest. And, it gets even better. The doctor I saw clearly could see my pain and she was by all definitions kind soul. She also took me off work for the rest of the week. This freaked me out because I can work, I just can't sit. I have been working for the past 2 days from home with no problem. My boss told me plainly that I had to shut down the lap top.

At first the little rebel in me thought: uhhh huuuuh you can't tell me what to do. Then, I thought about it and even though I cringe at having to use my Paid Time Off it is probably better for me to take the time off. Work has been so unbelievably stressful. I won't get into it, but it has been STRESSFUL! Lots-o-change!!! I really do believe my body is performing a coup for me to sit my butt down and relax. And so I am....I have a date with my book, my garden and with some meditation...oh yeah and some Oprah!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Ambitious Ambitions

Oh me oh my. If there is one thing I lack in my life it is clear direction. Oh, I put on a good front of "I know what, when and how I want it" but the truth is I really don't. Once I had my chart read and was told that I have absolutely no earth in my chart. None. So, this makes it hard for me to feel grounded. Well, I have to say he hit it right on the head with that one. I almost never feel grounded and I always feel like I am just kind of floating. Whimiscal would best describe it.

As of lately, I am back to thinking/pondering/focusing on obtaining my Masters degree. Where will I get the money to fund this? How will we live without my salary? Would this mean we would have to downsize? Can I find another job in California so we do not have to move to Oklahoma and I can go to grad school? This is just a small sampling of what my mind tends to do when left to my own devices. All over the place.

I know that I am good at listening and helping people through counseling (I have a few unofficial clients at work). I loved working in the prison system researching ways to make it better. How do I combine these? I would really like to obtain my PhD in Clinical Psych, but how I could fund this I have no idea. I would also love to be researching inmate issues within the prison system. Specifically HIV infections. I have dabbled in this before and it was the happiest job I have had.

Well, I am putting it out there universe: I am really to be a mother, I want to have a fulfilling career and I want this not to be a burden on our financial health.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Lo Que Sea Con Amor

It amazes me what we can take when we love someone. I recently was speaking to a friend who had, what I would say, a very happy marriage with the man she never thought she would find. She described to me what happened to her recently on Valentines Day. She was at work and had forgotten her cell phone at home. So, she decided to send her husband a lovey text message. She received an expected response from her husband with another woman's name sprinkled with pet names she had never been called. Infuriated, scared, saddened and alone she confronted her husband who confessed that he had reconnected with an old high school fling (the man is 45 years old). Nothing physical had happened because his long lost love lives in another state. What he added to his confessional was his wanting for a divorce. Now, this was surprising because the day prior he went through a ritual of telling said wife of how much he adored her and could not believe his fortune that she loved him too. This was a ritual he endured for 7 years of what he called his bliss. Now the woman he had always described as love of his life, he confessed, was not a good person, she is shallow and he cannot imagine wanting a child with her. He told her to choose between a baby and their marriage. Loco? Claro que si.

He proposed to her with a fairy tale proposal. It was her birthday and he took her to their favorite bed and breakfast. When they walked into the room there were rose petals peppered on the bed. They lovingly framed a vintage Dior dress. She was enchated. She put the dress on and they went down to dinner. The restaurant had been bought out for them. Their servers were her best friends. After a lovely dinner, she was presented with a framed poem he had written professing his love and adoration. He then presented her with a 6 karat engagement ring that he designed. The waterfalls started from her friends standing by. After a tearful yes a carriage pulled up and they were taken on a romantic 2 hour ride. The night was not yet over...when she got back to their room more rose petals. This time they lined a La Perla nightgown perfect for finishing the most perfect night.

So, for 7 years they have had beauty and challenges. No different than any other relationship with the exception that she had no doubt their love would not waiver. When this changed direction is impossible to pinpoint. When he decided that after 4 years of convincing her that children would be a blessing in their lives to now saying children is not something he can even fathom is also impossible to pinpoint.

I write this to only say what I relayed to my disturbed friend. There is a lesson in everything no matter how painful that lesson may be. My friend has not given up on her marriage. She is going to try everything she can to save it. I don't think her lesson has defined itself yet, but I do believe this is saving her from something later. She never wanted children until she met her husband and now she had most decidely opted not to be forced into a decision that would cut her off from something she has opened to. Her fairly tale has not ended. All fairy tales have a challenges their heros must overcome.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Neglecting....such a bad thing

I am here, but not here. I just have not felt like writing as of late. Lots-o-drama happenin at work leaves me feeling like zoning at the end of the day and checking out on the weekends. So, alas my blogs have been neglected and my apologies are extended.

Work has been...well, it has been really stressful. A lot of change has been happening and it has been this way for 2 years now. This company is a good company to work for but in all of this economic crisis they have been asking a lot of us at our office. From the small changes (like a new phone system packaged up in two starkly different explanations) to moving to Oklahoma it has been quite the ride. My feeling is that this is actually the smooth part of it...the bumps have yet to come. And, yet with all of this stress I am still there.

No babies to speak of as of late. It's strange to be disappointed of the monthly arrival of my cousin Mary. She used to be so welcomed and now I hope she stays away for at least 9 months. I am trying not to put an unhealthy focus on this, but I am really ready for it to happen. After so long of not thinking I ever wanted kids, it is amazing at how now I can't wait.

My migraines remain a constant. I have been keeping them somewhat at bay with the meds. I have not had a full blown one in about 2 months, but the monster has certainly reared its ugly head a few times. Thank god for modern medicine!

I do hope all of you are well and happy. I am trying to keep myself motivated to keep my blog is quite healing :)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Put A Ring On It....

One of my guilty pleasures is music.....I love it! It helps calm me, gets me goin or just makes me smile. I admit I am somewhat of a snob when it comes to music. For example: I really only like artists who write their own music and/or lyrics. I appreciate great singers, but don't give them a lot of credit. I also appreciate great performers but don't give them many props when it comes to contributions. In other words, I poo-poo them. I am one of those nerdy people who actually read the inserts of the cd's/albums that I buy.

Migraines have been a big hinderance on my ability to listen (and I really do mean listen...I listen for the instruments and different inflections in the singers voice) to my music. I recognize that we have been lacking really creative music as of late, but still I have my old favorites (Sade, George Michael, Maxwell, Rolling Stones) that can pull me up and away from my thoughts. When I have migraine I cannot even listen to the sound of my own voice. It is brutal and cruel. I really wish I could understand why my body fights with me so much.

For the last year I have been on a George Michael kick. I saw him in concert and OH MY GOODNESS! What a performance. Tha man is amazing. His voice, his songs .....he could sing any style in any language and it would be beautiful. Recently...I admit that I have been listening to Beyonce's "Put A Ring On It." I don't really like Beyonce. Saw her in concert too and not really that impressive. But, this gets stuck in my head and I LIKE IT! I even had a migraine last Monday and had it stuck in my head...and it did not bug me.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

It Never Rains in Southern California....they tell me

Ah yes, the rain has come to clean us of our over indulgence of the sun. And, we welcome it. The funny thing about living in an area that has a moderately comfortable temperature all year round is that when we get a slight change, everyone is almost giddy with excitement. It is one of the reasons I have grown to love Southern California despite its appearance of hedonism. You really can see that the pleasures of life reside in the little things.

I had 3, count 'em 3, doctors visits within the last 2 weeks. Neuro, gyno and my regular doctor. All of them told me the same thing: I am young at 33, the weight will come off after a few months of not being on birth control, and I absolutely cannot take my normal round of meds if I become pregnant. They also all told me my stress level is too high and I need to find an outlet for it. Apparently my job moving out of state, the economy taking a poop and my job already being high stress has been taking a toll on me. I can't imagine how anyone could have come up with that one. The good news is that I bought a treadmill and my after work walks help me wind down.

So, as I sit in my living room with my trusty wubby (aka Jordan the dog) at my side and I listen to the rain. It is difficult for me to imagine moving away from this beautiful state I call home for another state where I cannot find anything other than the financial attractiveness in it.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I love Saturdays....when I feel good!

So, I feel pretty good today. I bought a treadmill and I have been using it. I actually really like it....way better than walking through my neighborhood. My neighborhood, as you may have previously read, is colorful. I live close to the beach so maybe it is that when I see all the telephone wires it doesn't compare to walking along the beach and thus I don't like walking in my neighborhood. It's difficult to explain but I can get lost when walking at the thoughts just go and it is lovely. Walking in my's noisy, there are a lot of telephone wires and the yards are not always very pretty. No likey.

Anywho, I bought this treadmill that connects to my ipod and has a fan. What more do you need? A little Cameo "It's like Candy!", some cool air and a 4% is good! I have not shed any pounds but I do feel good. It alleviates a little stress which is awesome. I also went to my neurologist and talked about what meds I can take if I get pregnant. The answer is: none. Apparently there is no data...and I mean no data...on migraine medication and pregnancy. Apprently they have not tested enough little animals to draw a conclusion (animal testing seriously tugs at my heart). So, basically the approach is take it if it is so bad that you cannot stand it but don't take it if you don't have to because they don't know really what will happen. I also get to have my thyroid checked because of all of my attempts to lose weight and nothin happenin.

Migraine did come this week but not bad....relatively speaking. I am wondering if I feel a little better because I am off the birth control pill? Who knows....but it is nice to feel like I am not putting anything else in my body except a daily vitamin.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Quiet Sunday of Contemplation

Happy Sunday! Well....I am sure many of you know that Oprah has come out of the closet with her weight and is dealing with it openly (again). I am feeling inspired and am posting the photo that has kicked started me on the same quest....along with my migraines. That;s me in the far right holding my gorgeos pregnant friend's belly. But, what I noticed is that I look pregnant. I am not sure if this is my sweater being cruel or that is my stomach. I don't think it is my stomach, but anywho I saw this photo and thought "ooooooh no! I don't think so." My thighs even look terrible to me. Yes, I know that my image of myself is likely worse than everyone who is looking at this, but nonetheless it made me move. I realize that I cannot lose weight unless I am moving. I have tried this before, but if I do not lose weight I will see medical attention. So, I have committed to eating less (I already eat pretty good) and walking no less than 30 minutes per day.
As for migraines.....*sigh* ..........well, I went up to the Bay Area for this lovely babyshower and I had a migraine the whole time. I had enough meds so I was ok, but I was kinda flat. I have an appointment with my neurologist because I just feel like there is something else I could be doing.
Wish me luck!!! I hope everyone is happy and healthy ;)