I feel....BLAH

It is hot outside. We do not have air conditioning in our house. I had a rough week at work...again. The economy sucks. Chris is in a foul mood. I feel BLAH.

I think I am just emotionally exhausted. When I think about getting up off the couch to address my now consistent struggle with losing these 30 extra pounds that will not exit my body no matter how much yoga and walking I do...when I think about getting off the couch, I just keep thinking "but I don't wanna." All I want to do is sit here all day long and surf the mindless waves of the internet and yep you guessed it, not think about anything. Calgon take me away!!

When I do sit and think what comes to my mind is all of the stuff I should be doing with my life: I should have pursued my art, I should be working towards my masters in Clinical Psych, I should be reading a book, I should be finishing a book I already started, I should be writing my autobiography....should I continue this pity party for one? I can hear the tiny violins playing for my woes now. It's that little song called: Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

My life is blessed, so why do I get into these moods? Oh yeah, because I am human and humans have hormones and feelings. Stress causes the production of additional hormones which make humans feel tired. I am stressed, I am human and I am tired. I feel BLAH. And by the way....we are aloud to feel BLAH from time to time ;)

The dog made me do it

I have had what has been one of the most laziest days I have enjoyed in a long time. I woke up at about 7:30am (only because I could not fall back asleep), made my mocha (low-fat), had some breakfast and went back to bed. That's right, I went back to bed. I crawled back under the covers because I had that groggy feeling like I could sleep anywhere. So, because I was at home I figured....why not?

I could not fall back asleep but I did watch "Sex: The Revolution" episode 2 which was fantastic. And, then I watched "The Mannequin" which if you do not remember, is pure 80's pre Sex in The City Kim Cattrell enjoyment. And then, I watched "Nina Takes A Lover" ....well, at least I tried to. Chris decided that I was looking a wee bit relaxed and so opted to get the pooch ready for the daily walkie-poo (we have a Jack Russell Terrier and there is no option but to walk him every day). Well, Jordan (the D-O-G) decides he is going to protest. Whereas seeing his leash and collar usually promotes him into doggie excitement, sometimes when I am sick with a migraine he will refuse to walk and instead insist on laying down with me until I am better. I know...AWWWWWW!!! How cute?? It is very endearing. Today he did the same thing, only I am feeling lazy not sick. 

If you recall, I have been struggling with losing some weight I gained while Chris was getting healthy. I am about 30 lbs overweight and try not to complain about it because I am doing something about it (whether it is working is another post). Think positive! Right? Well, I guess the dog has been listening because he would not budge off my side. Chris would come and get him away from the couch and he would wiggle away and run right back. I started thinking maybe the D-O-G is trying to tell me something: Stop complaining and walk me!!! Ok, ok I get it. I ask Chris if he can wait 10 minutes while I get dressed and brush the polyester off my afternoon unbrushed teeth. Being the supportive (and yummy) man that he is, he agreed. 

So, I got my walking clothes on and went for the walk. It was a lovely walk too. We went on a hike and the flowers were bursting from the trail. Even though the tide was coming in and so....well, the smell does not match the beauty of the flowers it was still lovely. The dog made me do it and I cannot be mad at him for that. 

January into February

**SIGH** I'm not feeling too good today. Nothinig to do with my headaches and everything to do with me. My headaches, I am happy to report, have been pretty much undercontrol. This mix of botox and stopping my period seems to work. I still highly recommend botox for people who suffer from tension/migraines.

I don't know if it's because I have been really stressed at work, my crappy day yesterday, or because I realized today that I have been taking care of everyone but myself....but, I feel like I have let myself go and that makes me sad. My weight has been bothering me for sometime, but yesterday it really hit it home.

Yesterday I went and stood in line to meet the producers of Cesar Milan's dog whisperer show. My dog has dog agression and I would love to get this man's advice. So...me, my boyfriend and our dog stood in line for 3 hours only to be told to submit our dog online. I would have preferred to meet Cesar which was a shorter line...but, what can ya do? The 3 hours was gone, we got to see Cesar anyways and our dog did pretty well around all those other dogs considering he wanted to kill them. Our dog was for the most part calm.

What made it a crappy day was that my boyfriend did not want to be there and he let me know that through some pretty obvious silent communication. So, silent that he rarely spoke to me the whole time. When I confronted him on this he said he only came to support me. What??? I explained that showing me how annoyed you were for 3 hours does not make me feel supported, it makes me feel as if I have terribly inconvenienced you. I'm not sure this message was received and in all honesty it doesn't matter. I know better than to have him come with me to anything like this again; I would rather stick pins in my eyeballs. What actually ticked me off was the "support" comment. It ticked me off because I was reminded that sometimes the support provided in this relationship is not always balanced. I have been his morale support for a long time, but I have not been that same strength to myself. I became enraged at the thought that I was not taking care of and loving myself.....and now I sound like a sound bite on Oprah. AGGGGHHHHH!

I got down on myself for about 6 hours and then woke up this morning and decided to try something to get this weight off. I am going to support and care for myself. I am not going to wait for the support or expect the support to come from some place else. No more placing someone else first so I don't have to pay attention to my own needs, it's time to ease up on the deflection and dive into reflection. Corny, yes but I gotta do it.

I will keep you posted.....wish me luck!

Rain Rain Rain ....YEAH!

It has been raining for 3 days and I love it! It is so dry in Southern California that any rain feels like a good cleaning. They said it was going to be flooding but all I have seen is some damp roadways. Granted we have had some moments of downpour but it is nothing like what Nothern California receives.

On that note....I am on way up to Northern California for a business trip. These are usually somewhat stale as you usually are spoken at versus spoken to. I am sure we will have some type of motivational speaker but for the most part it will be sitting and schmoozing. The hardest part is just being away from home. The nice part is one of my girlfriends is having a baby shower on the Saturday I will be up there so I will get to go.

I am committed to get my stress level down. Having my boob examined on Tuesday for cancer (aka a lump) does not assist in this, but I suppose it needs to be completed. Anywho, I am committed to decreasing my stress and thus I have scheduled a day off next month so I can go to a spa all day. YEAH BABY! YEAH! When I get back from my trip I will reintroduce yoga to my destressing repetoir. I am determined to lose this muffin I have acquired just above my hips.

As for my headaches....they remain under contol. This whole plan to stop my periods seems to be having a bigger effect on my breasts (they hurt from the extra hormones). I am not sure when my normal period is supposed to happen (I think it is in 2 weeks). My fingers remained crossed that I will skip a migraine with my period.

2008...you're here?

Wow....I am always surprised when the new year is here. I am always shocked at how quickly the year has flown by and reminded that when I was a child how slowly time seemed to move. I wonder if this is an effect of being a child and can't wait for time to speed up but when you're an adult you are trying to slow time down. As an adult you need more time....more time to get your job done and more time for yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if we had more of a European sense of time and quality of life, would we better off? When you walk the streets of Paris you have the distinct sense that their jobs do not consume them, stress them or dictate their lives. Certainly they are present when they are working and take their jobs seriously, but it is not what defines them. The whole country recently when on strike because their President was trying to lengthen the work day.

This is my hope for the new year....that my fight against the migraine will win, that my job will cease to be so consuming, that I will gain some direction, and that I will keep my promise to myself to lose weight. If you can't keep your promises to yourself, who can you trust?

My migraine this last month was not as bad as it normally is. The botox is still working. So, in that sense....I am winning. 2008 is going to be a great year!