Caffeine breakup

Well, I did it. I quit caffeine. I promised myself I would do it with my next migraine since I would be doped up and thus unable to feel a coffee headache. I have been wanting to do this for a few reasons: 1) my neuro wanted me to; 2) I have been really tired lately and I hate relying on something to get me going and 3) I dislike being dependant on anything.

So, now I drink green tea and herbal tea. Yes, green tea has a little caffeine but not like my beloved java. And I do love coffee. I love the process of making it, the taste of it, the energy behind my eyes from it and I love the smell of it. But, it is for all these reasons why I must let it go. Lucky for me I found a new fruffy green tea that is so yummy I actually look forward to it. It gives me no jolt and no effects of coffee whatsoever, but it tastes good and basically I am drinking flavored water. This is a good thing because I need to drink more water.

I am basically no fun anymore and this is in part because of migraines. No alcohol. No caffeine. I can't stay out late. I have to get 7-8 hours of sleep. No fun. If I do not monitor these things, I am susceptible to a migraine. For example, I had a 17 hour day on Friday. I was up at 4:30am and did not get home until 9:30pm. I was exhausted by 2pm but I had to keep going because I had flown 2 hours for an all day meeting. The next day I had a headache and my neck was very sore. These are signs of a migraine to come. So, I veged all day and took my meds at night like a good patient. My boyfriend/partner thankfully had to work all day; otherwise he would have had to spend the day solo. I was no fun.

Coffee at least gave me the excuse of meeting up at a local coffee house. I was the one last thing I was holding on to as a means for socializing. Ok, so maybe I am being a tad dramatic here because mostly I drank coffee only in the morning and by myself anyways. But, I could have met up with people for coffee! Alas, coffee and I have broken up. We are friends but not nearly as close as we used to be.

Define Freedom after 11pm

I really do enjoy the neighborhood we live in. We have some quirky neighbors and for the most part I really do enjoy those quirks. Now, let me tell you something about the area I live in: it is next door to a very wealthy area where quite a few celebrities and the very rich call home. I say this because it's important to know there is a lot of money next door. Then there is the town I live in. There was quite literally a lawsuit to redefine the city line so that some people could raise their home value due to the next door zip code. The town I live in has lot of people who would be considered ...umm, how do I put this politely? White trash comes to mind. But, these are the people I like the most. They give the town a lot of personality and I think a lot of balance. They make to town seem not so beige and that being a friendly neighbor does not require strings. The other half of the town are people who want to live in the town next door but do not have enough money to afford that zip code, so they settle for this town. They only want to associate with people who they believe can further their social climb. These people have a chip on their shoulder because they want the trashy people to clean up their front yards and homes so they can improve their home value and their own sense of monetary value. In short, they have been trying to push these people out of the town so they can create a neo-rich town. During the real estate boom (which has since crashed) they were trying to purchase the trashy people's homes so they could drive them out. Their mentality was "if you can't beat em, buy em."

Every 4th of July this town sounds like it is under attack. The fireworks are insanely loud, but they all stop at about 10am.....at least the really loud ones do. It is predictable and while annoying it gives the town some more flavor. I do not look forward to this "holiday" celebration but I do tolerate it.

So, last night it started at about 5pm and kept going non-stop until 10pm as always. One of neighbors 4 doors (who wants to be rich but is not) down decided that because he was drunk the party should go on all night long (although he was playing Jethro Toll's Aqua Lung versus Lionel Ritchie). These neighbors have redone their house and have quite a tude about anyone who walks past their home. They have an average size home for the neighborhood, but remain less than friendly to most. They are the epitome of people who are trying to be what they are not: privileged and snotty. Everything was fine until he and his party-goers decided to light a box of firecrackers right in front of our house. That's right a box. It was 5 minutes of lights and loud in front of our bedroom window. I lost it...and I mean I LOST IT. It was 11pm and I had enough. So, I tromped outside to give them a piece of my mind. When they told me that they put it in front of our house versus their house because box was "too smokey" my potty mouth unleashed on them. You would have thought this mild mannered but passionate woman had turned completely psychotic....and I did. How rude? How completely inconsiderate? What kind of people are you? All of this but with f-bombs was rattling though my head. What was coming out of my mouth was more like: what kind of people are you? Do you know what f-ing time it is?

Their response was basically drunken blather. I opted not to get into it when they questioned my American patriotism (I'm Native American so best not to go there with me). My parting comment was this: one more firework and I am calling the police. Well, they let off more fireworks. So, I tromp back over there and ask them calmly and politely to stop. Again with more drunken blather. It didn't go well but I controlled by potty mouth.

Now in retrospect I should have called the police instead of just going back over there because in getting elevated I could have given myself a migraine. I should have believed that all of the loud favors they were providing the rest of the neighbors would be returned to them. I have to believe that karma will bite them in their big-pale-wanna-be-rich-but-not-treating-everyone-else-like-they-are-poor butts. I should have thought about this, but after hours of constant explosions who can think clearly? And in all honestly, how much freedom can you claim on the 4th of July after 11pm?

Mean Migraine

Holy Smokes! It was a bad one. It started on Tuesday morning and hit me really hard at about 3am on Wednesday morning. I can never figure out why my migraines hit me in the very early mornings the hardest? You would think with me being relaxed while sleeping the Mean Migraine would be fueling to hit when I have to begin moving around. But nooooooooo, always in the early early mornings. I wake up, feel the pain and the pinch, think "mother *******!!", get up, can't turn on the light because it will hurt, blindly feel around for my meds, find them, take them, call my boss and follow it up with an email (my boss is understanding and I love him for this) and then back to bed. This is when Chris looks at me pained because all he can do is check on me. These migraines really hit more than just me....they domino to many people in my life having to watch me go through this. This image is what I imagine my migraine looks like only not smiling....see what is in his hand? That club bounces through the inside of my head, neck and shoulders.

Anywho, I tried the protein thing again. Ummm, no such luck at all. This was one of my worst ones. Thankfully it lasted only 1 bad day but I really felt like I was going to die. The sound of the neighbors windchimes were like a full scale orchestra in my noggin. They usually make me sleepy. On Wednesday they made me weepy. The cool breeze from the window was making me nauseous. My skin was crawling and my meds were taking way too long to kick in. To add insult to injury....my lower back hurts from lying down so much now. Can I pleeeeeze flip the migraine off???

Well, the good news is that I am feeling better now. This is better than normal because I am going to see George Michael tonight and being as willful as I can be I might have tried to tough through the pain just to see him. "Father Figure", "Outside", "Careless Whisper"....oh! I am soooooo there!!! So, thankfully I will not have to tough through anything because I am feeling much better. Well, not much better but comparatively speaking. The hangover of the meds lasts for a few days but I think George Michael will cure that ;)

Vacay Baby!

**SIGH** It is my birthday this week...well, I guess technically it is next week since it falls on a Sunday...anyways, I will be 33. I decided my gift to myself will be 7 days off of work. I really need it. I have been uber tired for more months than I can count, I have been working on average of 10 hour days (and I am salaried so no overtime...poop!), my job is moving and so the mood in the office tends to swing, I am trying to keep my employees happy so we can meet our goals for the end of the year and did I mention I am tired? Anywho, I opted to take some time off and treat myself to no obligations for 7 whole days. This means....no work emails and nothing to do with work; it also means I can be vegetable ;)

But, I will not be a vegetable. I am going to go to my yoga classes, walk the dog and spend a few days in Palm Springs. I just get the option to sleep in for each of these days! Maybe my weight issues will take a vacation as well because it has seriously been frustrating me. Wait...I am trying to be positive about this. Let me try that again: I will have a break from thinking about my weight in a negative light during this vacation. Better? Well, it's the best positive outlook I can muster for the moment. Whenever I think of my additional poundage this song comes into my head (sung by Kim Wilde): Set me free why don't you babe, get out my life why don't you babe., oooh hooo, you don't really love me, you just keep me hanging on! Gotta love the 80's!! Well, I sing it to my fat cells....maybe they don't like my singing? I am planning on my headaches and migraines to gift me by not being present for this whole week. I will not sing to them in hopes they do not come around (my singing is pretty bad....but I love to do it....by myself when no one is around).

So, other than sleeping in and keep up with my calorie burning/health routine, I will be meeting my 3 week old nephew this weekend. He is my brother's child and my only nephew...this means he will be spoiled! My brother and I only recently met (that is a whole other post!!!) and now we have a new edition to the family to celebrate. His name is Gabriel and he is quite adorable. And, yes I am completely biased.

I will try to post whilst I relax...but who knows...I may be too lazy to type ;)

It's official....I am a dizzy blonde

Well, I am blonde and I am dizzy. Very dizzy. But, it is not an "oh my God!" dizzy. This is a vertigo dizzy. It's been 2 weeks now and nothing has subsided. It is not worse but it is no better. I keep freaking out because all I read about lately is that migraines can be related to strokes. So, me and my obsessiveness keeps thinking that I am having a stroke everytime I get a spell....which is every other hour. Fun? Yes? No......

The room spins every other hour, if I was 5 years old again this might be amusing. But, I am almost 33 and so it is not at all. Kaiser sent me away with dramamine... the side effects suck and it did not work! So, as I am trying to type I have to keep stopping because I feel like I am going to fall over. My hope is that the Kaiser doctor was right and all I have is a virus.

Wish me luck!

Spa days are the best days

First....a catch up: I am feeling better. I had my first migraine in sometime last weekend. It was startling how much it; I cannot believe that I lived through these for so long. The headaches that it launched itself from was unbelievably painful. The human body continues to amaze.

I did start the diet and I have not lost any weight to date. Very frustrating but maybe I need to stop thinking about how much weight I have gained and focus on me at my ideal weight. It probably would not hurt if I started walking too.

I received my second round of botox. Man that stuff hurts goin in!!!! It really works though (for the chronic headaches) and the fact that there is no grogginess or medicine head associated with it really has made it very appealling. My periods did stop for 2 months but then I spotted last week quite by surprise...umm, that is no fun.

On Friday I took a self day. Literally. I spent half of the day at a spa (Burke Williams in Orange, CA). I went with a girlfriend who just happened to be celebrating her birthday on this very same day. So, it was a very good excuse to take the day off of work and relax. And, I did relax but it is a stange environment at this particular spa. When I arrived they told me it was European Style. HUH? Oh this is code for naked naked - got it. I am very kewl with that because I detest walking around in a wet bathing suit. So far so good.

The shape of the women's side was kind of a triangle. It has a jacuzzi, steam room, mist room (cold mist) and sauna for women only. The lockers were right next to the sauna and the steam room. The jacuzzi was HUGE and was in the middle but also back up against a wall next to the misting room. Odd. I have to say there was not a lot of flow to the area. A feng shui master probably would say "This room does not have good chi movement." They would be right.

The women were ALL in their bathing suits which made the atmosphere sort of ....how shall I say.... conservative. So, I was a rebel and refused to put on my top. In the jacuzzi, which had way too much chlorine, the women looked at me with some scorn for which I presume was because I was not following their stuffy rules. Oh well. There was no one in the steam room so I could be as free as I wanted to be. The sauna was packed with chatty women covering up the same equipment they all bore. I could get into the whole self love/image but I will resist.

This was the other thing....these women could talk! Not just the guests but the people that worked there. Holy smokes. It was rather loud....with the sound of the jacuzzi in the back ground and the non-stop clacking it was quite difficult to relax. So, I ventured into the lounge room which was supposed to be unisex but I did not see any men in sight. The talkie talkie grew even louder and louder. I wanted to read my book and just be, but it was not to be. I found another waiting room where no one was inside....the opening and closing of the doors along with the employee's constant discussion about the latest TV shows did not make this a quiet room. Even the fabric on the EZ chair was loud (red, blue and yellow zig zags....yick!) So, I gave in, met back with my friend and we chatted the afternoon away. It was nice to have some girl time....but, if you are looking for some self time I would not recommend this place.

The massage was fantastic and needed. We had lunch there and then scooted out...and I was relaxed. Mission accomplished.

Rain Rain Rain ....YEAH!

It has been raining for 3 days and I love it! It is so dry in Southern California that any rain feels like a good cleaning. They said it was going to be flooding but all I have seen is some damp roadways. Granted we have had some moments of downpour but it is nothing like what Nothern California receives.

On that note....I am on way up to Northern California for a business trip. These are usually somewhat stale as you usually are spoken at versus spoken to. I am sure we will have some type of motivational speaker but for the most part it will be sitting and schmoozing. The hardest part is just being away from home. The nice part is one of my girlfriends is having a baby shower on the Saturday I will be up there so I will get to go.

I am committed to get my stress level down. Having my boob examined on Tuesday for cancer (aka a lump) does not assist in this, but I suppose it needs to be completed. Anywho, I am committed to decreasing my stress and thus I have scheduled a day off next month so I can go to a spa all day. YEAH BABY! YEAH! When I get back from my trip I will reintroduce yoga to my destressing repetoir. I am determined to lose this muffin I have acquired just above my hips.

As for my headaches....they remain under contol. This whole plan to stop my periods seems to be having a bigger effect on my breasts (they hurt from the extra hormones). I am not sure when my normal period is supposed to happen (I think it is in 2 weeks). My fingers remained crossed that I will skip a migraine with my period.

Dragon Days....

I am almost one month headache free...which quite frankly says a lot given it is the holidays. I have been converted to a HUGE fan of botox!

So, next week is my usual guaranteed migraine. The OBGyn has suggested I halt my periods to see if it is a hormonal issue. The funny thing is that he kept asking if I "understood" what he was saying....I felt like saying "Duh! I am the one who feels the hormone shift!!" but instead I was good and just responded that yes I very much understood what he was trying to do. So, we shall see if the answer has been found. I have, however, become resigned to that if I have a migraine once a month and it is due to being on birth control...well, then that is ok. It is better than having a child that I am not ready for.

I still don't know what the boob surgeon is going to be about and the anxiety remains. It seems that even after my first "consult" I will still not know what it going to happen. I wonder if these doctors know what this anxiety feels like? To continue to wait and not know is quite frustrating.

Anywho....for right now I sit and try to occupy my mind with some other thought.

Day 2 of the Botox Experience

I can feel the muscles in my forehead starting to freeze up. It feels....I dunno, strange? I have no headache and I did not wake up with space between my eyebrows swollen and hurting. This was the first in some time I have not had to rub my temple to ease the muscle when I first wake up.

One small thing did happen and I have no idea if it is related or not. I was just finishing my breakfast, I turned my head quickly and I got really dizzy like I was about to pass out. I had to place both hands on the dining table to sort of brace myself. It lasted for a few minutes. I started to think...if this is related to the shots I received in the back of my head, I wonder if it is worth it. My feeling is...I think so.

Anyways....I still feel good and I usually can feel the begining of a headache the Saturday before my period. I remain optimistic!

Sunday fall back Sunday

Well it is Sunday and although I have had a relatively pain free weekend (meaning Saturday) the previous week sucked. According to my boyfriend I am squinching my eyebrows when I sleep to the point that my head is shaking. So not bueno. Funny thing is, he does not have to tell me this because my third eye hurts when I wake up.

So, I called my neurologist last Monday and I have since gone through multiple back and forth messages over the same thing "Yes, this is Tina from Kaiser and I was calling to clarify the discussion you wanted to have with the doctor about botox. "4 times they called and 4 times I provided the same response "It is exactly as I explained the last time....my headaches are not improving and I am unwilling to go on any medication that affects my cognitive functioning. "

I am not quite sure how this could be confusing but apparently it is so confusing they keep calling back. The doctor does not call back but the nurse's assistants do. My hunch is that this has everything to do with their 24 hour call back requirement and nothing to do with being a complete idiot unskilled in the English language. As my smarter than me boyfriend opines: in their effort to streamline customer service they have frustrated the customer.

Like a good patient I have been taking my muscle relaxers at night in an attempt to save myself from headaches in the morning....it's not working. I sleep well and my shoulder is not as achy as normal but my headaches persist.

The question for me remains why. Why do I have headaches? Why me? Why is there no answer? I figure that if I found an answer for my asthma (yoga), then I can find an answer for this ailment. It cannot be that impossible. They told me that yoga was an unknown ailment. They didn't know what caused it and there was no cure. Well, they tell me the same thing about migraines. I didn't believe them about the asthma and I do not believe them about migraines or headaches either.