Just do it

I am sitting on my laptop...where I have been for most of the weekend...playing online Scrabble and procrastinating studying and writing. What you may say? What are you talking about? Well, I have been invited to write for 2 health websites. Nothing big. I am pretty much doing what I do here...blogging and practicing my writing. The problem is this: I am writing for 3 websites. How do I keep up with this, work 40 - 60 hours per week, participate in my relationship and practice my writing period? These are the questions.

My dream has always been, I just lost it along the way sometime ago, to be a therapist and a fictional writer. I got lost somewhere along the way of life and ended up taking a really big detour. But, this blog has got me thinking that I really need to get back to my passions. What I am finding is that when I am doing something I love, I feel healthy. Just imagining myself publishing a book and helping people in person in my own office puts joy in my heart. And, the best thing about this is that when I feel this way I have less headaches and less migraines. When my creativity is unleashed, I just feel better.

This last week I was back in for my botox. Because I am getting ready to have my 4x per year womanly cycle (that is woman code for period gentleman), the migraine creeps its ugly head out just as a groundhog does. This time was no different. The shoulder starts, the pressure between the eyes, and then the pinch! So, I go get my shots which friggin hurt and then I go back to work. By the end of the day I am looking forward to nothing else but my migraine meds. I get home. I gulp down my pill with a big glass of water and I wait (oh yeah, and I stole a magazine from the doctor's office because Troy Aikman was interviewed for his migraines...wups! I confess. I did it). After about 1 hour the meds kick in and my personality flat lines. I am totally absent of affect. By bedtime I debate about taking another pill; I end up taking it and sleep in the next morning. But, I am better.

The next day I am still slow but I can fake it. I fantasize about earning some extra money as a writer so I can put it away for my masters and again I feel joy. The more I think about it, the more I believe that a lot of these metaphysical authors are correct. It really is about finding passion and finding yours. I think you end up with less stress and if this is one of your triggers (like me!) then maybe the migraines will lessen in intensity.

I am certainly not saying this is the cure, but what I am saying is that when you find something you love, your body and your spirit thank you for it. Passion is nourishment.

Vacay Baby!

**SIGH** It is my birthday this week...well, I guess technically it is next week since it falls on a Sunday...anyways, I will be 33. I decided my gift to myself will be 7 days off of work. I really need it. I have been uber tired for more months than I can count, I have been working on average of 10 hour days (and I am salaried so no overtime...poop!), my job is moving and so the mood in the office tends to swing, I am trying to keep my employees happy so we can meet our goals for the end of the year and did I mention I am tired? Anywho, I opted to take some time off and treat myself to no obligations for 7 whole days. This means....no work emails and nothing to do with work; it also means I can be vegetable ;)

But, I will not be a vegetable. I am going to go to my yoga classes, walk the dog and spend a few days in Palm Springs. I just get the option to sleep in for each of these days! Maybe my weight issues will take a vacation as well because it has seriously been frustrating me. Wait...I am trying to be positive about this. Let me try that again: I will have a break from thinking about my weight in a negative light during this vacation. Better? Well, it's the best positive outlook I can muster for the moment. Whenever I think of my additional poundage this song comes into my head (sung by Kim Wilde): Set me free why don't you babe, get out my life why don't you babe., oooh hooo, you don't really love me, you just keep me hanging on! Gotta love the 80's!! Well, I sing it to my fat cells....maybe they don't like my singing? I am planning on my headaches and migraines to gift me by not being present for this whole week. I will not sing to them in hopes they do not come around (my singing is pretty bad....but I love to do it....by myself when no one is around).

So, other than sleeping in and keep up with my calorie burning/health routine, I will be meeting my 3 week old nephew this weekend. He is my brother's child and my only nephew...this means he will be spoiled! My brother and I only recently met (that is a whole other post!!!) and now we have a new edition to the family to celebrate. His name is Gabriel and he is quite adorable. And, yes I am completely biased.

I will try to post whilst I relax...but who knows...I may be too lazy to type ;)

The dog made me do it

I have had what has been one of the most laziest days I have enjoyed in a long time. I woke up at about 7:30am (only because I could not fall back asleep), made my mocha (low-fat), had some breakfast and went back to bed. That's right, I went back to bed. I crawled back under the covers because I had that groggy feeling like I could sleep anywhere. So, because I was at home I figured....why not?

I could not fall back asleep but I did watch "Sex: The Revolution" episode 2 which was fantastic. And, then I watched "The Mannequin" which if you do not remember, is pure 80's pre Sex in The City Kim Cattrell enjoyment. And then, I watched "Nina Takes A Lover" ....well, at least I tried to. Chris decided that I was looking a wee bit relaxed and so opted to get the pooch ready for the daily walkie-poo (we have a Jack Russell Terrier and there is no option but to walk him every day). Well, Jordan (the D-O-G) decides he is going to protest. Whereas seeing his leash and collar usually promotes him into doggie excitement, sometimes when I am sick with a migraine he will refuse to walk and instead insist on laying down with me until I am better. I know...AWWWWWW!!! How cute?? It is very endearing. Today he did the same thing, only I am feeling lazy not sick. 

If you recall, I have been struggling with losing some weight I gained while Chris was getting healthy. I am about 30 lbs overweight and try not to complain about it because I am doing something about it (whether it is working is another post). Think positive! Right? Well, I guess the dog has been listening because he would not budge off my side. Chris would come and get him away from the couch and he would wiggle away and run right back. I started thinking maybe the D-O-G is trying to tell me something: Stop complaining and walk me!!! Ok, ok I get it. I ask Chris if he can wait 10 minutes while I get dressed and brush the polyester off my afternoon unbrushed teeth. Being the supportive (and yummy) man that he is, he agreed. 

So, I got my walking clothes on and went for the walk. It was a lovely walk too. We went on a hike and the flowers were bursting from the trail. Even though the tide was coming in and so....well, the smell does not match the beauty of the flowers it was still lovely. The dog made me do it and I cannot be mad at him for that. 

Freedom Friday...sort of

Happy Friday!!! 

Well, I am still spinning. I have to concur with Deborah that the most fun part of dizziness is closing your eyes....wow. It's a ride and I am not even moving. Or when I am just standing and the person I am looking at is swaying...but, they're not. Excuse my victim coming out of me when I have to say "Why ME?????!!!!!!" One of these days I am going to get to the bottom of this and when I do....well, my migraine monster had better watch out!

Other than the constant movement in my head, I have been attending yoga 3x per week and walking the dog about 6 days per week. My boyfriend/partner asked me last night if I am feeling any different (I have been doing the yoga for about 2 months straight now) and my response was an unfortunate "no." I have lost no weight. And, I mean no weight. Not a frickin pound. I am still 157 lbs which is about 30 lbs too much for me and my body. I do not have more energy but I do feel more relaxed. The energy issue may be because I have been fighting virus' consistently (I work in an office = petri dish). The weight issue is not because of my eating habits. Trust me. I have no answer for this one. I cannot cut anymore calories and I do not eat sugar. Who can figure it out? I keep reminding myself that I have to focus on being healthy and I cannot do this without being active. So, I continue to yoga and I continue to walk. 

All of this and I am still happy. The bonus today is that it is Friday. I love Friday's. People are happy and I know that tomorrow is without responsibilities. Even better is knowing that I can sleep past 6am! Oh I love it!! I love the warm feeling of the sheets on me and my pillow. It is so soothing and such a wonderful way to start your day....without an alarm clock.  I even forget that I suffer from headaches/migraines. And....this weekend is a long weekend!!! Whoohoooo!!!!!

Enjoy your weekend...I will be enjoying my mornings sans alarm clock :)

Weather changes, stress and bad sleep equal MIGRAINE MADNESS!

Wow. I was doing really well. I was championing botox injections, going to my yoga classes and walking the dog every day for at least 30 minutes. I was determined to lose weight and really feel good. My life was becoming "normal" again.

"Ah-ha!" Said the migraine. "I have fooled and lulled you into comfort! I am back and bigger than ever. And I brought friends!!" The migraine snickered at me. I had almost, and I really emphasize almost, forgotten how much these 2-3 day ones can hurt. So it started one week ago...I felt it coming on with a vengeance. It was my most unwelcome family member who consistently reminds me of why I dislike them so. It lasted Tuesday through Thursday. But this time, my migraine had a new friend. Allow me to introduce you to Vertigo. Wow. This really one sucks.

I was sitting at my desk and all the sudden the room spun around 1-2x. I sat there with both palms sweating on the desk wondering where that came from. The hangover from that was dizziness for about an hour. It was like I had just gotten off of a boat. This was when I knew it was coming, but I thought....naw! It happened again the next day and I had to run to the bathroom. I decided to stop toughing it and just go home after that one. Not to mention I needed to brush my teeth! I went home and slept for 12 hours; woke up and the pinch in my neck and shoulder were still present which let me know...it ain't over baby!

By Friday it was finally gone. But, Saturday....well, it came back! Why I am so lucky I will never know. I got to enjoy yet another bout through Monday. The migraine and all of its friends: Muscle Pain, Vertigo, Nausea and Photophobia. It was like a great big Latin Party ravaging my poor body. It is now gone again but the effects remain. The intense pain/pinch in my shoulder...I wish I could just pop it and create some space!!! The dizziness is still here so each time I get up I feel like I may lose my feet. And, the after effects would not be complete without the loss of appetite.

I hope the rest of the month is without any sequels.....

Spa days are the best days

First....a catch up: I am feeling better. I had my first migraine in sometime last weekend. It was startling how much it; I cannot believe that I lived through these for so long. The headaches that it launched itself from was unbelievably painful. The human body continues to amaze.

I did start the diet and I have not lost any weight to date. Very frustrating but maybe I need to stop thinking about how much weight I have gained and focus on me at my ideal weight. It probably would not hurt if I started walking too.

I received my second round of botox. Man that stuff hurts goin in!!!! It really works though (for the chronic headaches) and the fact that there is no grogginess or medicine head associated with it really has made it very appealling. My periods did stop for 2 months but then I spotted last week quite by surprise...umm, that is no fun.

On Friday I took a self day. Literally. I spent half of the day at a spa (Burke Williams in Orange, CA). I went with a girlfriend who just happened to be celebrating her birthday on this very same day. So, it was a very good excuse to take the day off of work and relax. And, I did relax but it is a stange environment at this particular spa. When I arrived they told me it was European Style. HUH? Oh this is code for naked naked - got it. I am very kewl with that because I detest walking around in a wet bathing suit. So far so good.

The shape of the women's side was kind of a triangle. It has a jacuzzi, steam room, mist room (cold mist) and sauna for women only. The lockers were right next to the sauna and the steam room. The jacuzzi was HUGE and was in the middle but also back up against a wall next to the misting room. Odd. I have to say there was not a lot of flow to the area. A feng shui master probably would say "This room does not have good chi movement." They would be right.

The women were ALL in their bathing suits which made the atmosphere sort of ....how shall I say.... conservative. So, I was a rebel and refused to put on my top. In the jacuzzi, which had way too much chlorine, the women looked at me with some scorn for which I presume was because I was not following their stuffy rules. Oh well. There was no one in the steam room so I could be as free as I wanted to be. The sauna was packed with chatty women covering up the same equipment they all bore. I could get into the whole self love/image but I will resist.

This was the other thing....these women could talk! Not just the guests but the people that worked there. Holy smokes. It was rather loud....with the sound of the jacuzzi in the back ground and the non-stop clacking it was quite difficult to relax. So, I ventured into the lounge room which was supposed to be unisex but I did not see any men in sight. The talkie talkie grew even louder and louder. I wanted to read my book and just be, but it was not to be. I found another waiting room where no one was inside....the opening and closing of the doors along with the employee's constant discussion about the latest TV shows did not make this a quiet room. Even the fabric on the EZ chair was loud (red, blue and yellow zig zags....yick!) So, I gave in, met back with my friend and we chatted the afternoon away. It was nice to have some girl time....but, if you are looking for some self time I would not recommend this place.

The massage was fantastic and needed. We had lunch there and then scooted out...and I was relaxed. Mission accomplished.

Rain Rain Rain ....YEAH!

It has been raining for 3 days and I love it! It is so dry in Southern California that any rain feels like a good cleaning. They said it was going to be flooding but all I have seen is some damp roadways. Granted we have had some moments of downpour but it is nothing like what Nothern California receives.

On that note....I am on way up to Northern California for a business trip. These are usually somewhat stale as you usually are spoken at versus spoken to. I am sure we will have some type of motivational speaker but for the most part it will be sitting and schmoozing. The hardest part is just being away from home. The nice part is one of my girlfriends is having a baby shower on the Saturday I will be up there so I will get to go.

I am committed to get my stress level down. Having my boob examined on Tuesday for cancer (aka a lump) does not assist in this, but I suppose it needs to be completed. Anywho, I am committed to decreasing my stress and thus I have scheduled a day off next month so I can go to a spa all day. YEAH BABY! YEAH! When I get back from my trip I will reintroduce yoga to my destressing repetoir. I am determined to lose this muffin I have acquired just above my hips.

As for my headaches....they remain under contol. This whole plan to stop my periods seems to be having a bigger effect on my breasts (they hurt from the extra hormones). I am not sure when my normal period is supposed to happen (I think it is in 2 weeks). My fingers remained crossed that I will skip a migraine with my period.

1 day post Botox

Oh my goodness it hurt! Stung like little bees!! I got more injections than I can count in my forehead and the back of my head. I'm not sure if it was the endorphins or the injection that is not supposed to work for 7-10 days, but my headache 80% disappeared. Today my headache was about 80% gone.

Now, to be fair....I am right before my period and I usually feel pretty good right before for about one day. I am hoping the botox is working....my neck certainly does not hurt as much as it usually does and that has not happened without a muscle relaxer in a long time.

So we shall see. I will keep this updated. I am cautiously optimistic. I really hope this works!

Botox Thursday

I had somewhat of an annoying day today. It is Friday and all should be happy - right? It was not until the end of the day when someone said some grossly inappropriate things to me that kind of threw me off. Then when I come home and try to vent to my boyfriend and he takes a phone call in the middle of my vent. I am annoyed and fighting off a headache. My normal escape has annoyed me as well.

Anyways....after one more back and forth between my doctor's nurses, finally I am going to try the botox on my forehead and likely the back of my head. I am hoping it will help alleviate the constant headache. Then, I am going to make an appointment with my OBGyn and talk about my birth control pills. I am also thinking that it is possible my thyroid might be an issue.

I don't know...my mind is sort of racing right now over todays events at work which has now continued at home.

Sunday fall back Sunday

Well it is Sunday and although I have had a relatively pain free weekend (meaning Saturday) the previous week sucked. According to my boyfriend I am squinching my eyebrows when I sleep to the point that my head is shaking. So not bueno. Funny thing is, he does not have to tell me this because my third eye hurts when I wake up.

So, I called my neurologist last Monday and I have since gone through multiple back and forth messages over the same thing "Yes, this is Tina from Kaiser and I was calling to clarify the discussion you wanted to have with the doctor about botox. "4 times they called and 4 times I provided the same response "It is exactly as I explained the last time....my headaches are not improving and I am unwilling to go on any medication that affects my cognitive functioning. "

I am not quite sure how this could be confusing but apparently it is so confusing they keep calling back. The doctor does not call back but the nurse's assistants do. My hunch is that this has everything to do with their 24 hour call back requirement and nothing to do with being a complete idiot unskilled in the English language. As my smarter than me boyfriend opines: in their effort to streamline customer service they have frustrated the customer.

Like a good patient I have been taking my muscle relaxers at night in an attempt to save myself from headaches in the morning....it's not working. I sleep well and my shoulder is not as achy as normal but my headaches persist.

The question for me remains why. Why do I have headaches? Why me? Why is there no answer? I figure that if I found an answer for my asthma (yoga), then I can find an answer for this ailment. It cannot be that impossible. They told me that yoga was an unknown ailment. They didn't know what caused it and there was no cure. Well, they tell me the same thing about migraines. I didn't believe them about the asthma and I do not believe them about migraines or headaches either.

Ouch

It's my week to get a migraine and I have been fighting one off since Monday. It won today.

I was good. I have taken my rescue medicine at the first hint, my muscle relaxers at night and I have been resting. Last night it would not stop. Anything I took didn't work and as of now it has only mildly subsided....except when I move around.

I really hate this. Not a mild dislike, but I hate it. There is never an ok time for a migraine to hit and it has me so freaked out that the slightest headache and I fear one coming on. Of course, the fires in Southern California do not help the situation at all.

Dragon Days

It's Saturday and although my promises to myself of writing more often with this blog, my source of income remains both a priority and time consuming. Alas, the blog remains on the back burner.

The good news is that last week I was relatively headache free. They would start, I would slow down and the headache, for the most part, would subside. My period is coming next week and so I am anticipating the migraine, but I am hopeful that I will be spared this month.

Maybe part of my unusual relief this week is final acceptance that my j-o-b causes a lot of stress (and I say this as I am contemplating checking my work email and knowing I will have to go in on a Saturday soon). I am finally acknowledging that I am not always able to shake it off. I do enjoy what I am doing but there is a part of me that feels like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. This also causes me stress. Maybe my way out of migraines is through therapy? The irony is I think that may be my passion. The thought of taking out more school loans inhibits me from the pursuit. We shall see....

For now, my quest to find the cause behing my migraines remains.

Almost headache free Friday

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday at work. It was stressful and I left work feeling really annoyed. So, I came home and of course my honey was is as he always is: awesome. I forgot about it until I went to bed. I couldn't fall asleep, I couldn't stay asleep and then I woke up with a headache. Oh no! Not on a Friday!!! I stayed in bed a little longer determined not to take any medicine and even more determined to get rid of this headache.

So, I did it! I relaxed my way out of the headache and then left the house for the office intending to have a non-stressful day despite knowing what was ahead for me (meaning, I knew the day ahead of me was going to be very frustrating). I actually managed to maintain it throughout the day.

I feel really good right now and I have not felt this good in a couple of months. Yes, it is only one day but after so many crappy days today feels like gold. I am going to try some yoga tomorrow since I am feeling good. I have not done yoga for about 2 months...can we say happy?? :)

Anywho - I feel good. I feel really good. I don't have a tinge of a headache right now and I don't feel like I am fighting off the flu. YEAH!!!

Friday yeah!

Wow did this week suck! I started off as a friggin space cadet on medication that made me feel like poop, then I go off of the medication and get a cold, the cold gives me a fever which gives me a headache which turns into a migraines and oh yeah work sucked too.

This is the reason I love Mondays. It is the start of a new week and you can leave all the yicky stuff from the week prior behind. Even better than Mondays are Fridays. Fridays represent the ability to rest, reflect and just be. With all of the health issues I have been having lately, Fridays are my saviors. Fridays allow my body 2 days to recuperate.

So this weekend, like most weekends, I will rest and try not to exert too much energy so I don't get a headache. My poor boyfriend is left trying to make sure I am ok and me trying to muster up some energy to actually get out of the house and do something.

Here's to hoping next week is better.