C'est La Me ....

So I have been off birth control now for about 10 months.... I have to say I am thankful for birth control but I am at a point in my life now where I do not ever want to go on it again. I really do believe that stress mixed with hormones caused my migraines to go banana's over the last 10 years. Since being off my birth control my migraines have lessened, depression has lessened, I sleep better, I lost weight and I have gotten control (I think) over my stress. While I do not blame or credit birth control for my pains and recent gains in my health, it certainly began with birth control on both fronts.

My migraines have been mild. They are still here .... that stinky little monster .... and they come when my period is near and when my stress is floating high. The good news is that I have become very adept at recognizing them so I slow down and run to my meds.

Which leads me to another topic .... HEALTHCARE. Oh I know .... it is such a hot topic right now. But guess what? Healthcare has been helping me with my migraines for 10 years. When I finally got on botox 3 years ago it was a life saver. A LIFE SAVER!! I currently am uninsured and due for my botox injections .... wanna hear what has been happening? My tension headaches are back and my inability to completely fight them off causes a lot of frustration which causes them to increase. I know that people who have never had chronic migraines could never understand completely but allow me to analogize for you: imagine pots and pans banging behind your eyes, on your neck and inside your head amplified by a megaphone and flood light on your eyes. The physical pain, the light and noise would be unbearable for people who have never had one of these suckers. That is about 10% of the pain I feel when I have a migraine. The frustration, the annoyance at yourself and every moving person or thing around you is intense. I wish I had the option to go on a public health care system so that I did not have to worry about not being prepared for a migraine or God forbid an asthma attack (an affliction I have had since I was a child). I have not yet read the Senate proposal but I know the one out of Congress was a big pile of dooky.

I hope for the sake of yourselves, your neighbors and the people on the street you are getting involved in this debate and making your voice heard to your state and federal representatives. This debate needs to be about us and not about them. They have had more than enough time to do something substantive on their own; it's time to push them off the cliff of stagnant bullshit and into action. Be your own lobbyists and fight for your beliefs - be heard!

Just do it

I am sitting on my laptop...where I have been for most of the weekend...playing online Scrabble and procrastinating studying and writing. What you may say? What are you talking about? Well, I have been invited to write for 2 health websites. Nothing big. I am pretty much doing what I do here...blogging and practicing my writing. The problem is this: I am writing for 3 websites. How do I keep up with this, work 40 - 60 hours per week, participate in my relationship and practice my writing period? These are the questions.

My dream has always been, I just lost it along the way sometime ago, to be a therapist and a fictional writer. I got lost somewhere along the way of life and ended up taking a really big detour. But, this blog has got me thinking that I really need to get back to my passions. What I am finding is that when I am doing something I love, I feel healthy. Just imagining myself publishing a book and helping people in person in my own office puts joy in my heart. And, the best thing about this is that when I feel this way I have less headaches and less migraines. When my creativity is unleashed, I just feel better.

This last week I was back in for my botox. Because I am getting ready to have my 4x per year womanly cycle (that is woman code for period gentleman), the migraine creeps its ugly head out just as a groundhog does. This time was no different. The shoulder starts, the pressure between the eyes, and then the pinch! So, I go get my shots which friggin hurt and then I go back to work. By the end of the day I am looking forward to nothing else but my migraine meds. I get home. I gulp down my pill with a big glass of water and I wait (oh yeah, and I stole a magazine from the doctor's office because Troy Aikman was interviewed for his migraines...wups! I confess. I did it). After about 1 hour the meds kick in and my personality flat lines. I am totally absent of affect. By bedtime I debate about taking another pill; I end up taking it and sleep in the next morning. But, I am better.

The next day I am still slow but I can fake it. I fantasize about earning some extra money as a writer so I can put it away for my masters and again I feel joy. The more I think about it, the more I believe that a lot of these metaphysical authors are correct. It really is about finding passion and finding yours. I think you end up with less stress and if this is one of your triggers (like me!) then maybe the migraines will lessen in intensity.

I am certainly not saying this is the cure, but what I am saying is that when you find something you love, your body and your spirit thank you for it. Passion is nourishment.

Weather changes, stress and bad sleep equal MIGRAINE MADNESS!

Wow. I was doing really well. I was championing botox injections, going to my yoga classes and walking the dog every day for at least 30 minutes. I was determined to lose weight and really feel good. My life was becoming "normal" again.

"Ah-ha!" Said the migraine. "I have fooled and lulled you into comfort! I am back and bigger than ever. And I brought friends!!" The migraine snickered at me. I had almost, and I really emphasize almost, forgotten how much these 2-3 day ones can hurt. So it started one week ago...I felt it coming on with a vengeance. It was my most unwelcome family member who consistently reminds me of why I dislike them so. It lasted Tuesday through Thursday. But this time, my migraine had a new friend. Allow me to introduce you to Vertigo. Wow. This really one sucks.

I was sitting at my desk and all the sudden the room spun around 1-2x. I sat there with both palms sweating on the desk wondering where that came from. The hangover from that was dizziness for about an hour. It was like I had just gotten off of a boat. This was when I knew it was coming, but I thought....naw! It happened again the next day and I had to run to the bathroom. I decided to stop toughing it and just go home after that one. Not to mention I needed to brush my teeth! I went home and slept for 12 hours; woke up and the pinch in my neck and shoulder were still present which let me know...it ain't over baby!

By Friday it was finally gone. But, Saturday....well, it came back! Why I am so lucky I will never know. I got to enjoy yet another bout through Monday. The migraine and all of its friends: Muscle Pain, Vertigo, Nausea and Photophobia. It was like a great big Latin Party ravaging my poor body. It is now gone again but the effects remain. The intense pain/pinch in my shoulder...I wish I could just pop it and create some space!!! The dizziness is still here so each time I get up I feel like I may lose my feet. And, the after effects would not be complete without the loss of appetite.

I hope the rest of the month is without any sequels.....

Spa days are the best days

First....a catch up: I am feeling better. I had my first migraine in sometime last weekend. It was startling how much it; I cannot believe that I lived through these for so long. The headaches that it launched itself from was unbelievably painful. The human body continues to amaze.

I did start the diet and I have not lost any weight to date. Very frustrating but maybe I need to stop thinking about how much weight I have gained and focus on me at my ideal weight. It probably would not hurt if I started walking too.

I received my second round of botox. Man that stuff hurts goin in!!!! It really works though (for the chronic headaches) and the fact that there is no grogginess or medicine head associated with it really has made it very appealling. My periods did stop for 2 months but then I spotted last week quite by surprise...umm, that is no fun.

On Friday I took a self day. Literally. I spent half of the day at a spa (Burke Williams in Orange, CA). I went with a girlfriend who just happened to be celebrating her birthday on this very same day. So, it was a very good excuse to take the day off of work and relax. And, I did relax but it is a stange environment at this particular spa. When I arrived they told me it was European Style. HUH? Oh this is code for naked naked - got it. I am very kewl with that because I detest walking around in a wet bathing suit. So far so good.

The shape of the women's side was kind of a triangle. It has a jacuzzi, steam room, mist room (cold mist) and sauna for women only. The lockers were right next to the sauna and the steam room. The jacuzzi was HUGE and was in the middle but also back up against a wall next to the misting room. Odd. I have to say there was not a lot of flow to the area. A feng shui master probably would say "This room does not have good chi movement." They would be right.

The women were ALL in their bathing suits which made the atmosphere sort of ....how shall I say.... conservative. So, I was a rebel and refused to put on my top. In the jacuzzi, which had way too much chlorine, the women looked at me with some scorn for which I presume was because I was not following their stuffy rules. Oh well. There was no one in the steam room so I could be as free as I wanted to be. The sauna was packed with chatty women covering up the same equipment they all bore. I could get into the whole self love/image but I will resist.

This was the other thing....these women could talk! Not just the guests but the people that worked there. Holy smokes. It was rather loud....with the sound of the jacuzzi in the back ground and the non-stop clacking it was quite difficult to relax. So, I ventured into the lounge room which was supposed to be unisex but I did not see any men in sight. The talkie talkie grew even louder and louder. I wanted to read my book and just be, but it was not to be. I found another waiting room where no one was inside....the opening and closing of the doors along with the employee's constant discussion about the latest TV shows did not make this a quiet room. Even the fabric on the EZ chair was loud (red, blue and yellow zig zags....yick!) So, I gave in, met back with my friend and we chatted the afternoon away. It was nice to have some girl time....but, if you are looking for some self time I would not recommend this place.

The massage was fantastic and needed. We had lunch there and then scooted out...and I was relaxed. Mission accomplished.

January into February

**SIGH** I'm not feeling too good today. Nothinig to do with my headaches and everything to do with me. My headaches, I am happy to report, have been pretty much undercontrol. This mix of botox and stopping my period seems to work. I still highly recommend botox for people who suffer from tension/migraines.

I don't know if it's because I have been really stressed at work, my crappy day yesterday, or because I realized today that I have been taking care of everyone but myself....but, I feel like I have let myself go and that makes me sad. My weight has been bothering me for sometime, but yesterday it really hit it home.

Yesterday I went and stood in line to meet the producers of Cesar Milan's dog whisperer show. My dog has dog agression and I would love to get this man's advice. So...me, my boyfriend and our dog stood in line for 3 hours only to be told to submit our dog online. I would have preferred to meet Cesar which was a shorter line...but, what can ya do? The 3 hours was gone, we got to see Cesar anyways and our dog did pretty well around all those other dogs considering he wanted to kill them. Our dog was for the most part calm.

What made it a crappy day was that my boyfriend did not want to be there and he let me know that through some pretty obvious silent communication. So, silent that he rarely spoke to me the whole time. When I confronted him on this he said he only came to support me. What??? I explained that showing me how annoyed you were for 3 hours does not make me feel supported, it makes me feel as if I have terribly inconvenienced you. I'm not sure this message was received and in all honesty it doesn't matter. I know better than to have him come with me to anything like this again; I would rather stick pins in my eyeballs. What actually ticked me off was the "support" comment. It ticked me off because I was reminded that sometimes the support provided in this relationship is not always balanced. I have been his morale support for a long time, but I have not been that same strength to myself. I became enraged at the thought that I was not taking care of and loving myself.....and now I sound like a sound bite on Oprah. AGGGGHHHHH!

I got down on myself for about 6 hours and then woke up this morning and decided to try something to get this weight off. I am going to support and care for myself. I am not going to wait for the support or expect the support to come from some place else. No more placing someone else first so I don't have to pay attention to my own needs, it's time to ease up on the deflection and dive into reflection. Corny, yes but I gotta do it.

I will keep you posted.....wish me luck!

2008...you're here?

Wow....I am always surprised when the new year is here. I am always shocked at how quickly the year has flown by and reminded that when I was a child how slowly time seemed to move. I wonder if this is an effect of being a child and can't wait for time to speed up but when you're an adult you are trying to slow time down. As an adult you need more time....more time to get your job done and more time for yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if we had more of a European sense of time and quality of life, would we better off? When you walk the streets of Paris you have the distinct sense that their jobs do not consume them, stress them or dictate their lives. Certainly they are present when they are working and take their jobs seriously, but it is not what defines them. The whole country recently when on strike because their President was trying to lengthen the work day.

This is my hope for the new year....that my fight against the migraine will win, that my job will cease to be so consuming, that I will gain some direction, and that I will keep my promise to myself to lose weight. If you can't keep your promises to yourself, who can you trust?

My migraine this last month was not as bad as it normally is. The botox is still working. So, in that sense....I am winning. 2008 is going to be a great year!

Dragon Days....

I am almost one month headache free...which quite frankly says a lot given it is the holidays. I have been converted to a HUGE fan of botox!

So, next week is my usual guaranteed migraine. The OBGyn has suggested I halt my periods to see if it is a hormonal issue. The funny thing is that he kept asking if I "understood" what he was saying....I felt like saying "Duh! I am the one who feels the hormone shift!!" but instead I was good and just responded that yes I very much understood what he was trying to do. So, we shall see if the answer has been found. I have, however, become resigned to that if I have a migraine once a month and it is due to being on birth control...well, then that is ok. It is better than having a child that I am not ready for.

I still don't know what the boob surgeon is going to be about and the anxiety remains. It seems that even after my first "consult" I will still not know what it going to happen. I wonder if these doctors know what this anxiety feels like? To continue to wait and not know is quite frustrating.

Anywho....for right now I sit and try to occupy my mind with some other thought.

Soon-day

Not feeling too good today. I don't have a headache (yeah!!) but I have a touch of the blues.

They found another lump in my breast. No panini machine this time - I get to make an appointment with a "breat surgeon." I don't know what that means, but it does not sound good. There is a chance it will decrease my migraines.

Excuse me while I enjoy my pity party for one...I feel blah.

p.s. The botox is working like a charm!!

Disappointment

So, I am cruising along for 4 wonderful days with no headache. Awesome!! What a strange sensation to feel normal. It was so beautiful I can't even put it into words. And then....came my periord and everything was ok for that day. Optimism was becoming the norm. Then I woke up the following morning with the dreaded evil thoughtless migrain. Mother b****es!!!! Why me??? It stayed with me through the entire Thanksgiving holiday. So, while my loves ones were enjoying each others company I was medicated and miserable.

After Saturday I was ok, but the disappointment still lingers. My daily headaches have diminished and for that I am thankful. The botox really seems to have assisted with that. I now will be looking to see if altering my birthcontrol will assist. Keeping my fingers crossed again.

Day 2 of the Botox Experience

I can feel the muscles in my forehead starting to freeze up. It feels....I dunno, strange? I have no headache and I did not wake up with space between my eyebrows swollen and hurting. This was the first in some time I have not had to rub my temple to ease the muscle when I first wake up.

One small thing did happen and I have no idea if it is related or not. I was just finishing my breakfast, I turned my head quickly and I got really dizzy like I was about to pass out. I had to place both hands on the dining table to sort of brace myself. It lasted for a few minutes. I started to think...if this is related to the shots I received in the back of my head, I wonder if it is worth it. My feeling is...I think so.

Anyways....I still feel good and I usually can feel the begining of a headache the Saturday before my period. I remain optimistic!

1 day post Botox

Oh my goodness it hurt! Stung like little bees!! I got more injections than I can count in my forehead and the back of my head. I'm not sure if it was the endorphins or the injection that is not supposed to work for 7-10 days, but my headache 80% disappeared. Today my headache was about 80% gone.

Now, to be fair....I am right before my period and I usually feel pretty good right before for about one day. I am hoping the botox is working....my neck certainly does not hurt as much as it usually does and that has not happened without a muscle relaxer in a long time.

So we shall see. I will keep this updated. I am cautiously optimistic. I really hope this works!

Botox Thursday

I had somewhat of an annoying day today. It is Friday and all should be happy - right? It was not until the end of the day when someone said some grossly inappropriate things to me that kind of threw me off. Then when I come home and try to vent to my boyfriend and he takes a phone call in the middle of my vent. I am annoyed and fighting off a headache. My normal escape has annoyed me as well.

Anyways....after one more back and forth between my doctor's nurses, finally I am going to try the botox on my forehead and likely the back of my head. I am hoping it will help alleviate the constant headache. Then, I am going to make an appointment with my OBGyn and talk about my birth control pills. I am also thinking that it is possible my thyroid might be an issue.

I don't know...my mind is sort of racing right now over todays events at work which has now continued at home.